Are people really aware of how much they have hurt us? Sometimes yes, mostly no. Nobody wants to think they have hurt someone's feelings because of what they said or did. Anyone with a conscience tries to avoid feelings of guilt. Therefore a lot of people take the "it didn't happen" approach, which is even more hurtful.

I make an effort to be aware of how my words and actions affect others, why doesn't everyone do that? We all hurt someone's feelings even if we do not mean to, yet there are people who make a greater effort to avoid doing so than others. Not everyone is equipped with the same set of values or understanding and some are just selfish.

A simple example is finding out a friend who you are not romantically interested in, is very smitten and attracted to you. The more sensitive person would struggle with the guilt and consider the best options of how to deal with the situation. They would heavily consider the other person's feelings and base their actions and words on causing the least pain. Some people will even give up something they get from the relationship in order to not hurt someone else. There have been a few times where I have benefited emotionally and mentally from a supportive friendship, yet cut it loose because I knew it would only lead the other person on and cause more pain. The point is to cause the least amount of pain.

The less sensitive person would also struggle with the guilt, yet not necessarily worry about the other person's feelings. They are more concerned about what they are getting from the situation than the level of emotional pain they are causing. They usually take the no-responsibility approach and blame the other person for feeling bad. They say things like "if it's really hurting you so much, then don't be around me," or "it's not my problem, my actions shouldn't bother you like they do."

Hearing these less than caring words can cause an even deeper gash. Now not only did the person not consider how their actions would affect you, now they are blaming you for getting your feelings hurt as well. It is true that we are all responsible for the degree in which we participate in our relationships. Yet we are also responsible for how our words and actions affect those around us.

Do they know how much pain I am in? The answer to that is usually no. Unfortunately, even the most compassionate relationship experts cannot experience someone else's emotions. We all have the capacity to mentally put ourselves in someone else's experience based on a similar past experience of our own. Yet the actual degree of feelings is not shared. You may console a friend going through a bad breakup; you think back to a breakup where you were feeling down. You can understand and relate to the friend, offer words of comfort and acknowledge their pain, but you cannot know exactly how they feel. You are also more detached since it is not your situation and can easily refocus your mind to other topics. The person suffering is not able to detach so easily and will experience more pain than you even imagined in the first place. So if you consider that a caring, compassionate friend has a hard time knowing how much pain you are in, then the less sensitive person who hurt your feelings will definitely not be aware of your level of pain. They may figure you are upset and it bothers you, but the more they think they hurt you, the more guilt they have, and nobody likes to feel guilty.

I thought they would feel guilty, but instead they are mad at me. How can that be? Most people react to mistakes and guilt by becoming defensive. They usually are not conscious of their initial reaction and are acting out of a pre-existing pattern. And when people get defensive, they get angry and begin attacking whatever is making them defensive. It takes a strong person to admit their mistakes without getting defensive. It is the ability of taking responsibility for their actions that allows them to fully experience their guilt and feel compassion for whomever they have hurt. Bypassing the defensive angry state is usually a learned trait.

So they apologized to me, but they still did not acknowledge my feelings. Why? Apologizing to someone can be a very difficult thing. There are three ways to apologize;

The forced apology is the typical parent making the child say they are sorry, yet the child may still be in the defensive mode about the issue and not really sorry. The point is to teach a lesson to the child in taking responsibility for their actions. However, adults use this technique many times because apologizing is the right thing to do, but not always heartfelt.

The other two types of apologies are actually heartfelt. There is one slight difference in them that I feel is worthy of noting. The apologizer feels sincere remorse and wishes to set things right. It is the intention of the apologizer that is important. Did they do it to feel better about themselves? "Look what a good person I am, I felt bad, apologized, now my ego swells with pride!" Did they do it for the person they hurt? "I really hurt them and want them to know that I feel bad for the pain I caused them. I hope this will help them feel better and know that I still care about them."

We have usually experienced being on both sides of all three apologies during some part of our lives. The apologies that mean the most are obviously the ones that acknowledge their hurt feelings. An apology should be about both people in the relationship, not just one or the other. The answer to the question, why were my feelings not acknowledge, is simply because the apologizer was not apologizing for you, they were apologizing for them.

How do I cope when they do not care about my feelings? The only thing you can do is to deal with your pain on your own with the support of those around you that love and care for you. You cannot make someone feel bad or apologize, and it is true you can make them feel guilty, but you want a sincere acknowledgement, not a guilty one. There are many times when the person does feel honestly bad about hurting you, but makes no attempt to confront you about it. It is a good idea to assume they feel bad, at least that makes it easier for you to cope and let it go. As long as you feel they do not care about how they hurt you, it will recycle the emotional pain until you get over it or they apologize.

The Basics: Remember, 90% of the time people do not set out with the intention of hurting someone's feelings; and most of the time are not aware that they have hurt someone's feelings. Check to see if you are being overly sensitive. If they did not mean to hurt you and it was a small slight, then it is best to let it go. If it was a big slight and they hurt you greatly, then you are probably not being overly sensitive.